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Divorce Strategies Group

Denise French

Archives for August 2020

Good Things Can Come From Divorce

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Let’s face it. Change is tough for many people and divorce changes just about every facet of your life.  Divorce can often test one’s ability to handle change to an extreme.   Some people struggle more than others with change. They fight it, avoid it, fear it, and sometimes feel guilty about it. These notions would make anyone want to keep things as normalized as possible. One would think only adrenaline junkies and dysfunctional people would want to disrupt what could be a perfectly normal situation.   However, change can be very positive and powerful, especially if you have been in an unhappy or abusive marriage.   Here are five truths in my life I’ve experienced with change.  Hopefully this will help readers cope with their own life changes.

1. Change is inevitable

While divorce may not be inevitable, relationships will evolve. Whether you cling to what you have or long for something more, change is unavoidable. Nothing can or will stay the same. You have power when it comes to change. Your actions or reactions to change will determine how positive or negative the change is. Get comfortable with the notion of change as part of the evolution of life and stop resisting.

My divorce meant not only losing a spouse, but losing his entire family, the life I had envisioned and dreams I had of being a stay at home mom.  Oddly, I have a relationship with my ex-spouses family today.  It’s different than it was, but it’s good.  I also had the chance to be a “stay at home” mom for a year, and I found I really didn’t like it.   I love to work and I’m a better mom because of it.  I own two businesses today which I never would have had the chance to own if I had stayed in my marriage – he would not have given me the freedom to explore these opportunities.  What was the absolutely worst thing in 2007 is a gift today.

2. Change helps your brain stay healthy

Science suggest our brains need new and varied problems to work on. When our minds aren’t working out problems, solving mysteries, or figuring things out we can become weak. Change is one of the best ways to keep our brains healthy. This means our lifespan will be healthier, and our mind will not be as susceptible to diseases like dementia. It’s good for your brain to embrace the change in your life as a puzzle you can solve.

I certainly fought the divorce in the beginning, and I went through the stages of grief for at least a year if not longer.  No doubt, there was a grieving process to walk through.  However, my divorce also brought about new changes which were fun and unexpected, like meeting new friends and having a fun, loving social environment.  I was also able to thrive with my career after the divorce which meant learning a lot of new things and experiencing new challenges.  When I was no longer subject to emotional abuse I was able to really thrive and grow.

3. Change creates maturity

Sometimes change comes with a price tag. Sometimes change comes with a penalty. Sometimes change requires risk, and sometimes change is forced on us. No matter how change occurs, it causes us to grow. From learning we are tougher than we realized and having to do some difficult things – change creates maturity.

When my divorce was over I made a list of gifts.  To my suprise, I had three pages of small, single spaced gifts.  Many of them had to do with personal strength and fortitude.  I’m so much stronger today.  While I certainly would not have chosen this path voluntarily, I’m so grateful today for it.

4. Change teaches you to overcome fear and anxiety

Whether stepping out towards change in doubt or being pushed into the unknown without your consent, change can be scary. The devil we know is easier to manage than the one we don’t. Once the fears are faced, they are often scarier in theory than reality. Change teaches you to overcome fear and anxiety as you learn new coping skills or how to talk yourself through fear.

I was a single mom of a 2 year old child when my divorce was final – that is big change.  It was scary.  Looking back I’m convinced there is no stronger force than a parent protecting their child.  Being a single mom of a young child drove me to bigger and better things with my career.  It also lead me to be a better mom and person.   I no longer fear financial insecurity (for the most part).  I no longer fear being alone. I no longer fear many things – all because of what I went through.

5. Change gives you choices

Once the spirit of change is validated and embraced, change can become part of your normal routine.  If you choose something and don’t like it, that isn’t the end of the line. Change things again! From changing your coffee order to the brand of cereal your family eats this week, change can be fun. From picking a new wall color to a new genre of book to read, change can be exciting. From changing where you volunteer your time or which organization you donate to, change can matter to more people.

When my divorce was final I made big changes to my house – I repainted rooms, moved furniture around, rearranged the cabinets and made changes to the yard.  These small changes made a big difference.  Small things like which cabinet your plates are in can help facilitate change in your head and heart which can give you courage for more change.    In my first marriage I really wanted multiple children.  As a child I was much younger than my siblings and as a result raised as an only child.  I did not like it.  I decided very young I would have no children or multiple children – but not an only child!  Even though my first husband and I had decided on two or three children when we married, after our first (and only) child was born he decided he didn’t want any more.   Well, guess what.  When I remarried it was to someone with three young children, and now we have five!! Talk about an evolution of change.  It is a beautiful blended crazy mess which this extrovert absolutely loves.

There are many truths about change – some scary and some not so much. Embrace the concept of change, and it will lead to enjoying the realities of change.   We at Divorce Strategies Group are here to help you navigate changes from married to single.  Schedule a strategy session or call us at 281-210-0057 to schedule your first mediation session today.  No matter what your situation we strive to help our clients walk through divorce with confidence, strength and courage!

Co-Parenting Teens: Helping Your Teen Through Divorce

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If love is a battlefield, then co-parenting teens is a battlefield with landmines. Teenagers can swing from adolescent to grown-up feelings (and back again) in the snap of your fingers. This confusing age is hard enough already for them to navigate. Throw in the challenges of being a teen with divorced parents and watch the fun multiply!

Luckily, it doesn’t have to be fraught with turmoil and anxiety all the way. Knowing where some of the landmines are hidden, or what to do to avoid them outright, will make this period smoother for everyone.

The thing to remember is that right now, teens are becoming independent and striving to express themselves. They will have their own ideas about how things should be, and those ideas may go against what you’re thinking. At the end of the day, I know you want to keep them safe and happy. With these suggestions, you can navigate the challenges you may face as you co-parent your teen through divorce.

Co-Parenting Teens

3 Things to Remember when Co-Parenting Teens

It’s important to recognize that teens are trying to figure out what they want and who they’re becoming. With that comes lots of hormones. Sometimes it’s easier for teens to mask shame, sadness, and loneliness they could be experiencing with anger. Other times, kids think they’re angry when really they’re feeling those deeper, more vulnerable feelings. At any rate, it’s your job as a parent to be there for them with support and compassion.

Home is where the safety is.   Home should always be a safe haven for teens. Yes, they want independence, but that doesn’t mean they don’t also need safety and stability. Make sure you establish a family-first feeling. Let them know whatever is happening in the outside world, their parents both will support and love them.

Teens will have a different idea about how things are going to work.  Teens, especially the ones on the cusp of having more independence with access to a license, job, and friends or activities outside the home (ie: that sweet spot of 14-16) will have a lot of ideas about how they want things to work. It’s important to listen to them and meet them where you can.  Work as a team with your teens and your ex as you co-parent so they feel respected and heard. If you tend to blanket them with your opinions, they could feel like you have no regard for their wishes and act out. They want to know you’re working with your ex to support and nurture them, even though they seem to be pulling away.

Teens just want to be heard.  Sometimes, it could be a challenge to decipher between normal teenage angst and when your kid is really in trouble. Add to that the reality that your teenager may not want to share their feelings with you for whatever reason. Perhaps they wish to avoid confrontation or they don’t know how to express themselves. When you co-parent your teen through a divorce, remember that your kid just wants to be heard. When they talk, listen.

4 Things to Consider in your Parenting Plan as you Co-Parent Through Divorce

It’s challenging to tell your teen what they’re going to do, but you are doing this for a good reason (safety, making sure your teen becomes a self-reliant adult, and so on). Communicate that with them! Let them know you aren’t just making rules because you’re power-hungry; you have a good reason behind that.

Having a parenting plan will help with this. It could also be a struggle at first as you establish new routines for your kids as they turn into teens. Remember: your teens don’t want to be told what to do.

Make them feel like they have a say in it, especially as they get older. Once they hit a certain age, they can communicate their wishes with both of you instead of you telling them what they want. Respect those wishes and honor them as much as you can.

Kids will have time constraints and want control over their own schedule.
In your parenting plan, consider that your kids will have new and different time constraints. Teens are busy bees between work, school, friends, and other activities like jobs and volunteering.

Have a plan in place for time for handling scheduling conflicts. When possible, make sure both you and your ex show up at events like sporting games, rewards ceremonies, and the like so your teens can see you’re both showing up for them. Not only will your teen still feel like an important member of the family, but you’ll also get to spend time with your teen and not miss out on activities that are important to them.

How will you navigate chores and other household responsibilities?  When kids who are younger experience a divorce, it’s very important to keep a consistent routine between both parents’ households. That gives them a sense of stability and normalcy. Things like bedtimes, chores, and time outs or rewards should stay the same.

As kids get older, their responsibilities will change and they may not need that consistency between both houses. However, what they do need is to know the rules so they can play by them. Communicate your expectations clearly if there is a difference between households. Make sure they understand what happens if they break curfew or get in trouble.  I’d recommend that the basic structure remains the same between households (ie: expectations, consequences, and rewards), while the specifics may vary.

What happens when your teen starts to become more involved with friends and begins to date? You may not want to think about your kid growing up and leaving the nest, but they will. As you’re co-parenting teens, you have to realize they are teens. They will have friends and they will want to date.

What happens if their boyfriend or girlfriend wants to sleepover (or they want to stay at their house)? This is another area I’d advise consistency. That way they can’t play you and your ex off each other. No one wants to hear, “Dad lets me!” or have them take advantage of you because the rules around friends and paramours are more lax at your house.

Who will have the final say? Teens will fight you on things, plain and simple. That said there are important considerations to make, like what happens if your teen is sick, wants to get a piercing, decides to join a branch of military service, wants to purchase a car, claims they’ll drop out of school… the list goes on, really.  In that instance, these are big discussions that should be considered carefully. When you’re co-parenting your teen, it’s assumed that decisions are mutually agreed upon with both you and your ex involved. The reality is that some parents may think they should have the final word, especially if they are the ones paying for most of it.

Having a discussion about whose decision is final before these issues come up (in other words, when the tensions aren’t running high) will help you stay cool and focus on the matter at hand when it occurs.  Will there be times when mom has the final say over dad or vice versa? In what situation does your teen get to make their own decision?  Just like who has the final say, think about who pays. You may be sharing financial responsibilities, but what about your teen’s input? If they want a car, do they pay for it or do you? Whose responsibility is it to replace a broken iPad? What if they want a cell phone? Put that language in the parenting plan.

A Final Word About Parenting Plans

As your teen is navigating their own changes (and at times feeling like the center of the world), you, too, must navigate changes. It’s different when you’re co-parenting teens than when you’re co-parenting adolescents. Parenting schedules will have to be addressed. Discussions about school, friends, and time conflicts will have to take place. Consequences, structure, and what you present a united front on will be a point to consider.  As you’re co-parenting teens, these issues (and more) will come up. So, the more clarity you can provide in your parenting plan, the better. Make sure you actually look at your parenting plan, too. It won’t do any good if you never use it.  Help your teen take you seriously by giving them new structure and boundaries as they get older. It will make a huge difference when you have to make decisions for your teen on behalf of you and your ex.

We understand co-parenting teens because we have navigated co-parenting 2 who are grown and 2 more who are almost ready to leave the nest.  We, personally, have sought after the help of professional counselors and therapists. For a list of who we recommend call us at 281-210-0057 and also visit us regularly to check out our latest blog on various divorce related issues.