Of all the worries and concerns to think about when going through a divorce, financial planning may not be at the top of your list. It is likely you are working, raising kids, and paying the bills. Many newly divorced women feel the demands never end. Creating a new financial plan is important because you have lost the extra income of your spouse. It is also especially important if your spouse managed your investments and longevity planning. Outsourcing your financial planning makes sense when you are short on time but still need to make sure you manage your money well as you age. We encourage women to consider financial planning for several reasons, but most of all for the woman’s wellbeing and peace of mind. Here are a few tips to get started.
Planning at the Beginning
Your financial life after divorce starts as soon as you sign legal paperwork agreeing to a settlement with your ex-spouse. You need to make sure you know what you are signing, because it will have a big impact on your financial future. We recommend meeting with a financial planner to review the settlement before you agree to it. Financial planners can find opportunities you might have missed such as tax breaks or being able to retire earlier than you expected. This process with allow you to understand all your options before you sign the settlement agreement.
Women generally have a longer lifespan than men. Financial planning in divorce will create a consistent cashflow strategy and budget. You and the financial planner will create a list of priorities you will need money for such as helping to finance your children’s education.
Planning for Financial Confidence
Some women going through a divorce assume they will have to live like a miser because they have an internalized fear. Financial planning gives you freedom by replacing fear with confidence. Investing money is difficult to do when you’re paralyzed by fear, but not investing means you could outlive the money you have now.
Planning for Peace of Mind
As financial planners, the goal we have for all our clients is to give them financial peace of mind. You will know what bills you need to pay every month and how much of your disposable income you can spend. You can spend your money in freedom because you know you have a plan for your budget, taxes, and investing. We can also help you adjust your financial plan if you experience new significant life changes.
Another common assumption women sometimes have during a divorce is they automatically own an asset the court has awarded to them. We will walk you through the steps you need to take before you can claim an asset as your own.
At Divorce Strategies Group, our main services to you is financial planning to help ensure you do not run out of money in your lifetime and to help you to take ownership of assets awarded to you in the divorce. We love the work we do because it empowers women to be financially independent for the rest of their lives regardless of circumstances. If you are going through a divorce and are in need of financial planning, please contact Divorce Strategies Group and schedule a consultation today.
Whether you have a career or are a stay-at-home mom, debt complicates a divorce. Nobody wants to be responsible for paying a spouse’s debts, and you want to avoid having any joint obligations on your side. There is a way forward if you are aware of your options.
Keeping the Debt
You have a few credit cards that you share with your spouse. When you look into your spouses’ spending, you discover that they have used credit cards for all kinds of things you don’t: gambling, alcohol, and a few hotel visits that have nothing to do with business trips.
This naturally is frustrating, so you don’t want to take care of the bill. They’re the other spouse’s expenses and they should have to take care of it, but they are not. The bills don’t get paid and time is moving forward and because the credit cards are under your name, whose credit is getting ruined? Yours.
You want to take care of any joint debt like this, so your credit report is clean. You will be compensated for it in the settlement by getting more of the cash, house, 401K, investments, or asset. Until that happens, you must protect yourself and keep paying the credit cards.
If your spouse is spending thousands of dollars you did not approve, we call that a “waste claim.” These can be difficult to prove and you will need attorneys to help.
In one case, the husband had bought a BMW and an apartment for his girlfriend. We found proof of that spending through receipts that amounted to tens of thousands of dollars. Our waste claim proved that he was stealing from the estate and he had to compensate the estate. With the help of a financial professional and the lawyer, he paid that claim on the estate spreadsheet and the wife was given more in assets as a result.
Digging for Information
If you know your spouse has spent a lot of money, but you do not know exactly how much or where there are ways to find this data. For our clients, we do a lot of digging, starting with the accounts we know about and looking for fishy transactions, such as massage parlors, prostitutes, or rent in New York when you don’t own property in New York. We look for anomalous patterns, flag them and ask for more information. We look at property records, tax records, and all kinds of paper. If the spouse isn’t forthcoming, your attorney can subpoena what we need.
Years ago we had a client with a special need’s child. The husband would not pay for future horseback riding for their child with Down’s Syndrome which had proved to be very helpful for the child in the past. He said they did not have any money. Through five-year-old tax records and pieces of paper that our client had been collecting for month, we discovered two rental homes, a girlfriend, and $200,000 in Certificates of Deposit.
If you think your spouse is stealing or hiding money, collect any kind of information, no matter how old or small, and bring it in for us to look at.
Want to know more about what to do? Please contact Divorce Strategies Group for a complimentary consultation. We’ll talk to you about next steps so you can receive the assets which are rightfully yours!
Many of the people I meet with tell me they are married to a narcissist. As cutting as this may seem, many people are divorcing someone with a personality disorder. One therapist we refer states many people who divorce have issues like narcissist personality disorder because the people who do not have this or other personality disorders are able to work through problems in the marriage and stay married. So, if you are married to someone you think is a narcissist, know you are not alone. Also know there is a way out of this with your sanity intact, it will just take a little extra effort.
What Is A Narcissist?
A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be given by a mental health professional. There are signs and symptoms you can identify and read about all over the internet. A general internet search will typically identify this as a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.
Although understanding and recognizing the characteristics involved is helpful, this knowledge will not give you the help you need to divorce and save your sanity. It can be frustrating and emotionally draining.
It did not start out this way. They may have started out showing you how much they loved and cherished you. You believed it would always be that way. When did it change? Do you wonder if maybe they will change their mind and go back to loving and cherishing you like they used to? It is normal to hope for that, but it is likely keeping you frustrated and stuck. And, if you are reading this, it is probably not going to happen.
And Here’s Why . . .
If you are dealing with a narcissist, you have likely already tried everything! Not only does it get tiresome it can wear down your own self-esteem. It takes a massive amount of your time and energy with nothing in return! Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., creator of New Ways for Families and founder of The High Conflict Institute has 4 Tips on How to Deal with a Narcissist Without Getting Stuck and Disliking Yourself:
Do not call them a “narcissist!”
As tempting as this is, it absolutely backfires and makes things worse. Instead, they become obsessed with proving you are the one with the problem.
Do not argue with them.
You do not need to defend yourself because it is not about you. It is about them and their personality. They have no insight into their own behavior and see things in all or nothing terms. They see themselves as the victims and they feel it is your fault.
Set limits on what you will do.
You have probably spent years trying to figure out how to placate a narcissist, right? Bill Eddy has a saying he uses…”FORGETABOUTIT!” You are not going to change them so work on changing how you react to them.
Do get support and consultation.
Your self-esteem may be worn down from all the insults, criticism, embarrassment, and shame. Bill Eddy suggests getting help from professionals like a coach or therapist.
How to Move Forward
You will need a step-by-step course of action. You may have to cut ties and build some distance emotionally. The key takeaway is you will need support and guidance on how to successfully navigate this difficult time. You will not want to do this alone.
Please reach out for your complimentary initial consultation. We will give you the information and confidence to decide how to best move forward and have the life you deserve – a life of joy, love, and peace of mind. Contact us today!
A Qualified Domestic Relations Order (or QDRO, pronounced “qua-dro”), is a judicial order in the United States, entered as part of a property division in a divorce which divides a retirement plan or pension plan by recognizing joint marital ownership interests in the plan, specifically the former spouse’s interest in that spouse’s share of the asset.
QDROs apply only to employee benefit or pension plans subject to the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA), the American federal law governing private sector pensions. Domestic Relations Orders or DRO’s divide military retirement pay and Federal civil service retirement plans. A QDRO or DRO may provide for marital or community property division between the plan participant (the employee or former employee) and the alternate payee (the spouse of the employee or former employee). IRA’s, ROTH IRA’s and SEP IRA’s are not subject to ERISA and therefore are not divided typically with a QDRO but rather paperwork from the issuing company.
QDROs and DROs must first be issued by a State-level domestic relations court. The QDRO or DRO is a separate document in addition to your divorce decree. It must be signed by both parties in the divorce as well as their respective attorney’s and the court. Once it is signed by all parties, the QDRO or DRO then needs to be sent to the company’s plan administrator. It must meet the standards of the plan to which it applies. Each company or issuing entity will have their own wording for QDROs and DROs.
Generally, you must have a separate QDRO or DRO for each plan. Each retirement plan is governed by different rules depending on the plan type (i.e. 401(k), Pension Plan, 403(b)). Each QDRO or DRO must be tailored to the requirements of each plan.
The timeline for receiving your awarded funds from a QDRO or DRO is approximately 90 days. We highly encourage you to request the QDRO/DRO process begin as soon as you have completed the mediation process or a decision on the estate has been determined. It is common for a QDRO/DRO to be sent for pre-approval. This is where he QDRO/DRO is completed but not signed, instead it completed with the plan participants information and the divorce decision as far as division is sent to the administrator for pre-approval. This process takes approximately 30 days. Once pre-approval is completed, you know your QDRO/DRO will be approved. We then encourage you to have the QDRO/DRO submitted in conjunction with your divorce decree. This tends to speed up the process and prevents the frustrating delays we have seen multiple times.
If you are in the midst of or finishing up divorce negotiations, we encourage you to schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation to discuss your situation. We can potentially help you avoid costly delays and frustrations in the QDRO process.
Over the years I have been doing divorce financial advising, I’ve learned so much from women just like you. It’s so normal for us to ask questions and want information from those who have already been through this overwhelming time in our lives.
I remember talking with my friends (many of whom had been divorced) and wanting them to understand how my experiences left me feeling afraid and alone. I wanted to compare my story to theirs. I wanted to not feel so alone. After so many calls and conversations, I’ve made lists and lists of what I’ve heard being said and I want to share some key takeaways with you. I hope it will help you “cut through the divorce noise.”
1. You don’t need to listen to people who don’t know what’s best for you.
Some well-meaning friends and family want you to quit worrying about everything you’ve got on your mind and “just get back out there.” If you’re not ready, then take it easy. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. There’s a huge, new world waiting for you when you’re ready!
2. Try to separate the emotional part of your journey from the business of divorce.
There are so many ups and downs and it’s important that you have emotional support so that you have a safe place to deal with all of the feelings you’re experiencing. That is the value of a coach or therapist.
3. One of the biggest issues women tell me is that they’re afraid.
Honestly, who isn’t afraid? It means you’re human, but it doesn’t mean you’re not going to be OK. Your fear can actually move you forward and push you to learn new things that you never dreamed you could learn.
4. Feeling lonely isn’t the same as being alone.
The reason some women don’t want to divorce is because they’re afraid of being alone. But the truth is that so many of us were lonely in our marriages! When I talk with women who are divorced, they actually like being alone and just being able to do whatever they want whenever they want!
5. Wanting to find all the answers online.
Many women tell me they are getting all their information online. While I do suggest you read about different options for divorce, for example, I don’t recommend you keep digging deeper and deeper trying to find the answers to all of your concerns. Again, that is where you can get in trouble with inaccurate information. It can lead you to doubt and waste time questioning what is true and correct in this process.
6. If you’re feeling so tired, hurt, and damaged emotionally right now, I’ve learned that so many of you are going to find love again!
Even if you’re not even interested right now, after you’ve worked on the role you may have played in the divorce, it may surprised to find that you’re interested in something new and healthier. It’s human nature to want connection with others. So give yourself time to figure out who you want to show up as now on a deeper level and you will attract what you need.
I want you to know you’re not alone and we all have worries and fears. If I had to summarize what I’ve learned through the “divorce noise” is that we all struggle. But there is light at the end of the tunnel – it just can be a long tunnel and the light can seem so far away, but don’t give up.
And if you would more support and want to speak with one of our team members here at Divorce Strategies Group, please schedule your 30 minute complimentary consultation today.