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Divorce Strategies Group

Denise French

Melissa Provence, CDC, DCC

High Stakes, High Net Worth:

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Why hiring a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst can make or break you

By: Melissa Provence CDC,DCC

When it comes to divorce, more than emotion has to come into the equation. High net worth couples can have a particularly difficult time. They have saved all their lives and now face losing a portion of those savings. When it comes to dividing high net worth estates, a highly skilled Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is one of your best lines of defense.

Planning for more than tomorrow:

Oftentimes fiscal decisions are thrown to the wayside due to the emotional effects that divorce can have on a couple. The role of a CDFA is to look at your estate with more than a short-term band aid to get you back on your feet. They work with you during and after your divorce to help you make financial choices when best serve you now and in the future.

Many clients have never dealt with investments like 401K’s, RSU’s, and pension plans. These are complex investments which can greatly impact your retirement. What are the tax implications down the road when dividing the assets awarded to you in your divorce? Does a 50/50 split become a 70/30 split when considering tax effect on your estate? These fact sets are often presented to the client so they can make sound financial decisions.  A seasoned CDFA will take an all-encompassing approach to assist you in making wise financial choices.

CDFA’s Role in Your Divorce:

You may be wondering why you wouldn’t just use a financial planner. CDFA’s are often financial planners who also have specialty training and experience working in the divorce financial realm.

CDFA’s will work with you to organize and help you understand your finances. Collecting years of financial data, researching separate property, and division options for the estate.

Let’s not forget parenting after divorce. Who is paying for college? What will child support look like? What about children’s car expenses? These and others are topics a CDFA can review with you, your mediator, and your attorney.

Dissolution of a marriage, not your net worth:

At Divorce Strategies Group, we do divorce differently.  Denise French founded the company in 2014 after her own divorce disaster. She had spent a six-figure price tag and a few years of her life trying to close one chapter and begin a new one. After she was divorced, Denise desired to build a company based on creating a better divorce experience. She is highly trained in the areas of high net worth divorces, divorce tax, separate property tracing, executive compensation in divorce, and pension plans. We don’t just facilitate the last stages of the negotiation. We walk with you every step of the way.

To schedule a call…

New Year New You: Three Resolutions Worth Making

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Starting over can seem impossible after divorce. We may have lost who we are, had our future erased, or felt hopeless. The direction of our lives was now completely different. A roadmap once dotted with destinations, now leads to someplace different. Now is the time to recapture and invent your new path. Here are three ways to reclaim and thrive in 2023. Let’s raise a glass and toast to new beginnings!

Rediscover Who You Are:

It can seem impossible to make a fresh start. We don’t know who we are as single adults. This new life can seem overwhelming and scary. Venturing into the unknown can feel like jumping into the abyss. I remember after my own divorce – I had no idea who I was as a single woman. My identity for years was “so and so’s wife”. As the years passed, I slowly lost who I was to who I was supposed to be in the eyes of my ex-husband and those he associated with him. Gaining a title meant losing myself. What I came to realize post-divorce was that there was more to me that being “Mrs. so and so”.

My strategy for doing this was to remind myself who I was prior to marriage and what I wanted for myself. I spent time reflecting on what I loved about myself prior to becoming a wife and cutting out the things that I had been told I needed to let go of once a ring was placed upon my finger. I revisited the times I had thought to myself, “ I wish he could see who I really am”. I had packed away all of the things I treasured most about myself and stuffed that sadness into a secret space within myself.

I made a new vow to myself instead of another person. It was time to rewrite my future. No more compromising my value as a person for the sake of someone else’s expectations. This realization that I could do anything as a single woman, as long as it didn’t conflict with the standards, I set for myself or affect the kind of mother I was. It was incredibly freeing.

I wanted to be a  valuable member in the work force. That may not be everyone’s dream, but that was mine. I wanted to garnish a good paycheck and do something that made me feel good about myself and helped others.  That is exactly what I found – and then some. 

Look Forward to Life

I love to travel and have found that having a trip on the horizon boosts my spirits.  It gives me something to be excited about. I may be feeling down or overwhelmed but I can always think about what’s to come and it keeps me moving forward. What do you love to do? Can you use those passions to drive you forward?

Part of the healing process in divorce is to highlight your life with things you love. Self-care is incredibly important during this time period. It can be small things like a good bubble bath and a book, new haircut, having your nails done, or even treating yourself to a nice dinner out with friends. It can also be really big things like moving into a new home, finding a job you’re passionate about, or traveling somewhere you’ve longed to explore all your life.

The world is your oyster! Get excited! Treat yourself to imaging your best life and taking steps to achieve the future you deserve.

Good Grief

Science has proven our brain chemistry is changed during this grieving process. We call it “divorce brain” and it’s very real. You may feel forgetful, overwhelmed, and stuck. Know that this grieving process is very similar to the death of a loved one. While you won’t ever forget this chapter in life, you can move past it.

One of the best and healthiest ways to do this is through the help of a mental health professional. Friends and family are great to vent to but can’t always give you the best advice. Their love for you and anger towards your ex creates a bias that doesn’t always work in your fav

 A Divorce Coach is also a wonderful avenue.  We can be used in conjunction with a therapist or by ourselves. Divorce Coaches create a safe, judgment free space for you to express all of your thoughts and emotions and help you come up with a plan to guide you through them one step at a time. Divorce coaches are not mental health professionals. We walk client’s step by step through the recovery process and onto a new path that they can be excited about. As a divorce coach, my goal with every client is to address emotion or aspects of life where they feel stuck and lead them into self-discovery.

Make 2023 a defining year in your life. Reinvent who you are and connect with who you were before. Create goals and moments that can inspire you to keep moving forward. Enlist the help of a therapist or counselor to support you in your recovery.

Divorce Strategies Group offers mediation, divorce financial planning, and divorce coaching. If you’re curious about Divorce Coaching and how it can play a part in the healing process, give us a call. We offer complimentary Discovery Session’s to answer questions and briefly touch on topics that are important to you.

Back to School Basics for Busy Co-Parents

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Back to school is upon us, and for most parents, it can bring a whole new set of challenges not to mention new routines and managing schedule changes. For divorced parents, there are even more details to figure out such as who is responsible for back-to-school shopping or paying for school lunches? Are you going to follow a consistent schedule in both households?

Here are some tips that have worked for me when planning for back-to-school with my three kids and their co-parent.

Plan and Communicate Early
The earlier you can discuss your expectations, the better! The next few months can be terribly busy, and if you put off planning with your co-parent, issues may arise. If possible, I recommend sitting down face to face with your co-parent and going over what you both expect for the upcoming school year. If your kids are older, they can participate in this meeting too. The discussion should include school breaks and extracurricular activities, and any personal commitments each of you have. Planning early will also help you both easily see if there are any gaps in childcare that need to worked out.

Who’s Paying for What
School supplies, clothing, lunches, birthday party gifts, teacher gifts, and even yearbooks, all add up. Talking about which parent is financially responsible for each expenditure can save great deal aggravation, and at times, awkward conversations. Having a list of your financial responsibilities will result in everyone being on the same page, right from the start.

Check in with Your Kids
Kids may get excited about all the changes that back-to-school brings, but for other kids, the changes make them anxious and unsettled. You know your kids best so be sure to take their feelings into account when school starts. After the first week or two, check in with them. See if your arrangement needs to be tweaked and do your best to check in with your former spouse to make sure they are aware of your kids needs so that they can address them in their home as well.

Use a Shared Calendar
If you do not already use a shared calendar, now is a wonderful time to start. Kids and parents have so much going on. A shared calendar is a straightforward way to limit miscommunication when it comes to dates and times. It’s easy to create a free Google calendar or if you are on an apple device, share a joint calendar just for kid activities. Our Family Wizard is also an immensely helpful shared parenting communication app with a built-in calendar.

Communicate Changes
Schedule changes are bound to come up throughout the school year. When this happens, it is best to discuss these changes as soon as possible and make any adjustments to your agreed upon calendar. These times can be challenging when you are co-parenting, but by setting forth expectations, planning, and effective communication, you, your co-parent, and your kids can have an enjoyable start to the
school year!

If you would like help navigating this or other co-parenting issues, please call us to schedule a Discovery Session today with Melissa Provence, Mediator, CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, DCC.

A Child Centered Divorce

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Most of our divorcing clients with minor children are worried first and foremost about how the divorce will affect their children.   When starting the divorce process clients often ask how to best tell the children about the divorce, how to protect them from emotional trauma, and what a co-parenting relationship will look like going forward. Here are three things to consider when walking through a divorce with minor children.

Remember You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex. 

This shouldn’t be a hard concept to navigate – but when you get in the weeds in the divorce process, we find it often is.  We remind our clients continually of this concept.   It is especially difficult to remember in relationships where one spouse has been taken advantage of or is resentful at the other person. This is commonly seen in cases where the spouse has been unfaithful and/or where there has been financial abuse or neglect   There will no doubt be a lot of compromise and tongue biting. Keep in mind this is not for your (ex-) partners benefit, it’s for your children.

Just because your marriage has ended, your relationship with your children as their parent has obviously not.   During and after a divorce you may constantly have to remind yourself that your children are innocent bystanders of the divorce.  They did not ask for this.  They did not cause this.  No matter what has transpired in the marriage, you must censor and self-edit your spoken words and reactions to your now ex or soon to be ex-spouse. It’s imperative that your kids never hear disparaging comments about their other parent. Your children unconditionally love both of you. When they are faced with bad mouthing and fighting, they can feel torn to pick a side. This would naturally cause distress to the children.

My cell phone photo of my ex-husband is a photo of my child with her father.  It reminds me she has a dad who is a very different person to her than he is to me. It helps me put her above any feelings I may have regarding his past or present behavior.   This is the best thing I can do for my child and for myself as well.

In divorce coaching we work on presenting one’s best self to our children. This includes walking through a parenting plan to set expectations and discuss fears/concerns.   Further, the more my clients are aware of the choices they are faced with, the more they can emotionally prepare for mediation or litigation. In divorce cases involving minor children, knowledge absolutely is power!!  Working with a divorce coach on what to expect and how to cope with the decisions you must make may save both you and your children a lot of emotional turmoil and fear.

Don’t Let the  Divorce Influencing You Parenting Choices

As a coach and having been through my own divorce, I realize this can be hard. However, for the sake of your kids, it can’t be overlooked.   If your gut reaction is to make the other parent pay for the situation you are in or trying to “make them see what they did” – it can really hurt your children (and you, and it  just doesn’t work.)

Do you remember what it was like to parent your kids before your divorce? Were you working as a team at that point? That’s exactly how you should proceed now.      Ultimately, you want your kids to feel loved and accepted at both houses.  My clients are encouraged to process their emotions while looking out for the best interest of their children. This means overriding your hurt and frustration to make sound choices based on your children’s needs.   As I mentioned, I’ve experienced this situation firsthand. For example, one rule my ex-husband and I put into place was that our children could decide to visit the other parent even if it didn’t fall on a visitation day. If the other parent agreed, we would make it happen. The one exception was that if the child was angry at either one of us, they wouldn’t use the other parent as an escape.

Can You Create a Better Life Now Than Ever Before?

My clients love this question because it allows for creating strategies for this new lifestyle, they now have the opportunity to focus on the kids without the other parent’s approval. There is one less person to take into account, clean up after, and compromise with on daily routines. This can lead to more quality time, establishing new parenting ideas, and even creating new traditions.

I’ve coached many clients who feel refreshed on their non visitation days. They often feel guilty for the break. Single parenting is hard work. You’re on the clock 24/7. There is absolutely no reason to feel bad about the need to decompress and enjoy time alone when the kids aren’t home. This actually helps you be a better parent when the kids do come home.

A child centered divorce isn’t easy. It’s about constant and consistent compromise, but you can do it! This is an effort that will pay off in the long run. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 50% of first marriages end in divorce. If or when you decide to remarry, and you choose someone who also had divorced parents, the failure rate goes up to 80%. Consider how intentionally creating a child centered divorce can and will affect your kids.   You get to decide what kind of divorce legacy you and your ex-spouse are passing down.

For help navigating divorce with minor children please call us today to schedule a coaching consultation and look for more articles of navigating the emotional side of divorce at www.DivorceStrategiesGroup.com

Confidence in Conflict: Three Methods to Resolving Conflict Without Losing Your Cool

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In coaching we often suggest clients that they “keep Amy in the backseat” when you’re in a conflict. We are referring to your Amygdala. A tiny almond shaped structure in our brains. Although small, it is mighty. The amygdala controls the fight or flight response in our bodies and brains. Often it acts instinctually and without warning. This is especially true when dealing with a High Conflict Personality (HPC) partner. Our brain unconsciously takes over and we often respond in ways we normally wouldn’t. When we feel lack of control or vulnerability it’s nearly impossible to have thoughtful, well considered conflict resolutions.

There are methods to keep “Amy” in the backseat. Here are three communication tactics that can help you regulate, respond, and rise above conflict.

Regulate:

In divorce cases we see several physical responses that happen when we are faced feeling attacked. I want to focus on two that I see most often.

Approaching conflict with aggression. Aggressive communication is when you state your needs and leave little room for your partner to share theirs. Examples of aggressive communication would be an attempt to dominate the conversation, using humiliation, critical language, and “you” statements in an attempt to avoid your responsibility in the situation and negate feeling insecure about yourself. This method of communication is often seeing with HPC’s.

Fawning is a response that is very common, especially with clients that have suffered past trauma or suffer from PTSD. Fawning is a maladaptive survival response. It is ones need to avoid conflict at any cost. When a client is in a fawning response they often exhibit people pleasing behaviors, deny their truth for the sake of ending the conflict, and feel that they are unworthy and undervalued.

Approaching conflict with either response can is a recipe for disaster. One of you will surely walk away from the conflict feeling “less than”, unheard, and unloved. We can regulate our own physical reactions to regulate our bodies response to threats. Start with a deep breath. Taking a moment to center yourself and regulate your breathing can instantly change the bodies stress response. Take a break from the conflict, find a quiet place, and spend five minutes focusing on your breath, inhaling, and exhaling slowly. You are allowed to excuse yourself from the conversation. The conflicts you are trying to resolve did not develop overnight and they do not have to be resolved in an instant. When you feel your heart rate begin to rise and the walls feel like they are closing in, simply tell your partner you need a moment to gather yourself and acknowledge you will touch back on the topic when you are in control of your thoughts and emotions. There is absolutely no reason These simple tactics can you help you prepare for the response phase of the argument and knock it down to a discussion.

Reason:

Reasonable, well thought out responses to conflict help us to protect our mental health, self-worth, and sanity.

Now that you have taken a moment to gather yourself, it’s time to gather your thoughts. I encourage clients to take time to look at things from their partners viewpoint. Try to understand the issue and why it is so important to them. At times, the real reason may be convoluted by finger pointing and “you never” statements. For example, my client is angry that her husband forgot it was their anniversary.

She took time and made an effort to make him his favorite meal and buy him a card. How dare he not get her a gift? Is the issue the gift? Is it possible that the gift was the issue on the surface of the problem but really, she feels uncared for, unloved, and possibly unworthy? In true conflict, we must dig deeper to find the issue because it’s rarely floating on the surface of our relationships. Changing our perspective in turn changes our insight.

What if your partner can’t articulate the deeper issue? I suggest questioning them with curiosity. What are you upset about? Can you tell me why you feel like that? and my personal favorite, “what was your expectation of me in that moment?” Try not to interrupt them and stay on the actual issue at hand. Curious questioning does a few things. It gives your partner acknowledgement that you are open to listening and a willingness to let them articulate how they really feel. This can lead to a deeper understanding of their perspective, the opportunity to form a more informed opinion for yourself, and hopefully a resolution in the conflict itself.

How we respond to our partner can make or break the outcome of the conversation. You have the choice to respond in a non-confrontational manner once your partner has finished speaking. “I had no idea you felt that way, do you mind if I address this from my perspective?” or “I would like to avoid continuing to argue about this topic, how do we suggest we fix it?” The goal is to identify the issue, take responsibility only for our actions (if there is any), and stop the conflict cycle in its tracks.

Rise above:

“But Melissa, this just makes it seem like I’m being a pushover! By keeping my cool and not showing a reaction, the other person doesn’t know how much they have affected me with their words or actions.” This is precisely why these methods work. HCP’s are fueled by the ability to incite hurt, confusion, and lack of control on their target. If you have been with your partner for a while, they know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction from you. They will rely on that pattern to gaslight, stonewall, and trigger you to get their desired outcome. How many times have you ended a conflict and come away questioning yourself, your involvement, and wondering if you really are at fault for the problem?

Let’s change that! By regulating your body’s reactions, thoroughly considering your responses, and responding without malice, you have taken all the control back and on your terms. You weren’t goaded into angry reactions and remorseful words that can’t be taken back. You maintained your dignity, bolstered your self-worth, and you can leave the conversation feeling good about who you are at your core.

This is not something you can learn overnight. High conflict relationships are volatile, and these methods must be practiced over time. After all, you are fighting your amygdala, its natural response, and it takes time to unlearn unhealthy communication. This is why so many of my clients continue with coaching even after divorce, particularly with co- parenting after divorce. These methods work and can be applied to any kind of conflict that needs resolution.

Divorce Coach

At Divorce Strategies Group, we offer mediation and coaching services for clients thinking about divorce, in the midst of divorce, and even co-parent coaching. If you can relate to this article, I’d love to talk to you. Complimentary Discovery Session’s can be booked directly through our website.

* If you are currently in a relationship and experiencing domestic violence, this article is not applicable. Please call/chat/text with an advocate by calling 800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org.

What is a Divorce Coach and How Can they Help You?

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[Are you waking up at 3:00 AM, feeling overwhelmed and panicked by the uncertainty of your future?

Questions and worries run through your mind? “Can I afford to get divorced?” “How do I tell my spouse our marriage it’s over?” “What about our kids?” “How do I tell them?” “How will I survive?” “Do I have to share my retirement savings?” “Do I need to lawyer up?” “What lawyer do I hire?”

The questioning can be endless and in a attempt to find answers, you start Googling. Taking the first steps in a divorce can be terrifying and overwhelming. In researching, something pops up about “Divorce Coaching.” Like almost everything else related to divorce, this is a new term for you.

What is a Divorce Coach?

A Divorce Coach is a trained mental health professional who shepherds you through your divorce. Divorce Coaches have unique expertise in divorce, co-parenting, parenting planning, child development, the impact of divorce on children, and all other issues related to divorce. Divorce Coaching is not therapy. Instead, coaches specialize in helping you emotionally cope with divorce before, during and after the process.

Is Divorce Coaching Right for Me?

For most people, the prospect of a divorce is an overwhelming life crisis. You need to make big decisions at a time when you are emotionally overloaded. The demands and decisions can be confusing. Divorce can require the time and energy of a full-time job (when a lot of women already have full time jobs and are full time moms).   In the process, it can also be exhausting to get through each day especially when you are meeting with your legal team or financial advisors to discuss divorce related issues.  You don’t know what steps you need to take, how you can figure it all out, or how long it will take. If this sounds familiar, then a Divorce Coach can help. 

How Can a Coach Help?

A Divorce Coach can help you understand one of the first and most important decisions you will have to make. You will need to decide which of the divorce process options available to you will work best for your family: a do-it-yourself divorce, mediation, collaborative law divorce, or litigation. The process you choose will dramatically affect your outcomes and the process.

A Divorce Coach will walk the path with you, through the legal process you have chosen, to provide support and guidance when needed. Divorce coaches also offer post-divorce support, addressing issues like co-parenting, setting up a spending plan, and claiming your new life.

One of the first and most painful things you will have to do is talk to your children about the upcoming changes in your family. A Divorce Coach will help you (and often your spouse) structure and plan for this, telling your children what they need to know. The Coach will help you respond to their questions and concerns in age-appropriate ways.

A Divorce Coach will help you build or strengthen your skills to cope with your emotions, especially at meetings with professionals and your spouse. In addition, your Coach can help you develop and hold you accountable for implementing much needed self-care practices.  This is critical as they can help you feel more grounded and help you cope during this time of life changes.

A Divorce Coach will help you begin to envision your life post-divorce, as a single parent and perhaps going back to work. The Coach will help you set goals and keep you accountable for them. This type of planning may influence your divorce negotiations. For example, if you need re-training to enter the workforce, this can be discussed as part of your divorce settlement.

Coaching will help you develop skills for the negotiations, which usually come after the information-gathering stage. With the help of your Coach, you will be clear about what is important to you in the final resolution. Identifying what matters most to you and where you can compromise is critical in divorce negotiations, and a Coach can help you do this with confidence.

Your Coach will help you understand and think through the many decisions you will be asked to make. A coach can help you feel brave, confident, and articulate in expressing what matters to you without being hijacked by emotions. This makes the process more efficient and cost-effective!

A Divorce Coach can help you build a new kind of parenting partnership relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. A Coach can work with you to establish good communication, boundaries, and strategies for dealing with issues that inevitably arise.

A Divorce Coach provides a safe space to emotionally let go, vent, breathe and heal.

How Do I Find a Divorce Coach?

At Divorce Strategies Group we offer complimentary Discovery Sessions to discuss you and your situation. This introductory call with Divorce Coach Melissa Provence allows us to learn about you and pinpoint your immediate needs. Let’s talk!