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Divorce Strategies Group

Denise French

Divorce Support

What is a QDRO?

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What Is a QDRO?

A QDRO, pronounced “kwa-dro”, or Qualified Domestic Relations Order, is a court order granting a non-employee spouse the right to part of the retirement benefits their former spouse has accumulated in their company’s retirement plan. 

If you are divorcing a spouse with a company retirement plan governed by The Employee Retirement Income Security Act of 1974 or ERISA such as a 401k or a pension plan, you will need a QDRO to receive those funds.   The QDRO process has a definitive flow, its own terminology and can take some time to complete. We will walk through an example of a couple where the husband works at ABC Company and the wife is receiving a portion of the ABC Company 401k from her husband.  In this example we will walk through the process from settlement in mediation to QDRO funds receipt to give the reader a better understanding of QDRO terminology, how the process works and the timeline.   

 

QDRO Terminology

Terminology with QDRO’s is important but thankfully, fairly straightforward: 

  • Plan: This is the specific retirement plan to which the order applies. You need a QDRO for each plan. For example, if you are divorcing an ExxonMobil employee, you could be awarded a portion of ExxonMobil 401k and the ExxonMobil pension plan. Those are two different plans and two different QDRO’s will be needed. (Note there are other plans at ExxonMobil for certain employees such as Restricted Stock Units and Supplement Pension Plans – those are not ERISA plans and do not need QDROs but have their own issues we will cover in a separate article).
  • Participant: This is the individual who will be assigning his or her benefits to an alternate payee. This is the spouse who works for the company and whose name the plan is under.   
  • Alternate Payee: This is the individual (usually a former spouse) who will receive the benefits.
  • Address of Record:  The address on the QDRO form for the alternate payee and the participant is what will be used by the QDRO department to communicate with you.  It is critical to have the correct address listed as this is how you will receive communication. 

Description of Benefits

The order must clearly articulate the benefit to be assigned to the alternate payee. The order could use a flat dollar amount or a formula.

Here are two examples:

  • Flat dollar amount: $500,000
  • Formula: 50% of the participant’s vested account balance as of January 1, 2023, adjusted for any investment gains or losses, stock splits, dividends and/or interest from January 1, 2023 through the date of distribution.

In a turbulent market such as 2022, this is a critical element to understand.  If you were awarded 50% of a 401k balance in April of 2022 which was invested in growth stocks, and then didn’t take receipt until August of 2022 – that balance may be much lower over the time period.  Likewise, if you only owned oil and gas stock during that same time period, you may be very happy you were awarded gains and losses as the account could have grown considerably.   We cannot over-emphasize the importance of considering investment performance as there is a lag between the determination date (January 1, 2023 in the above example) and the date the benefits are actually set aside for the alternate payee (August of 2023 in our example below).

It’s important to understand if you are receiving a flat dollar amount or a percentage split and if the percentages include gains, losses, interest, and dividends.  (And no, you will not usually get an opposing attorney to agree that you only participate in the gains but not the losses.)   

Which option is better?  Well, that depends.  When and if we suggest flat dollar amounts in QDRO’s it is because the parties have usually agreed to a set amount as part of an overall division and for a specific purpose – like paying off debt or purchasing a new house.   Our concern is always if you are awarded a set dollar amount, what happens if the market falls and those dollars do not exist months later when the QDRO order is completed?   That becomes an issue. 

Awarding the alternate payee a portion of the account on a percentage basis with gains, losses, dividends and interest from the date of division to the date of distribution is certainly more prevalent in our experience.  This is more prevalent as both parties participate fully in the risk or reward of the markets from the time of division until the funds are distributed. 

QDRO Timeline – April Division to August Receipt of Funds

It takes several months from the date of division to the date of receipt. Let’s continue with our example. Jane and John went to mediation on April 2.  In mediation, the parties agreed on a settlement which awarded Jane 52% of the ABC Company 401k of her spouse John. They signed a Mediated Settlement Agreement or MSA which was final and binding on April 2.  The next day the wife’s attorney calls a QDRO firm and asks them to draft a QDRO’s for this settlement.    

It then took until May 15 for the decree to be finalized.  The attorneys had to draft the decree, agree on the language in the drafting and then set a court date to finalize the divorce with the court.  This all required effort and time.  During that time a QDRO firm created a QDRO for the 401k, sent the QDRO’s into ABC Company’s custodian for preapproval and it came back approved.   The parties were officially divorced on May 15 via a “prove up” in court.  The divorce decree and the QDRO were all entered together and signed by the judge.

The wife paid extra for the QDRO company to pick up the QDRO in the clerk’s office and send it to ABC Company after a judge’s signature was secured. The county clerk is not responsible for this, the QDRO firm is not automatically responsible for this – the receiving party is responsible.  Sometimes the QDRO firm who drafted the QDRO will do this, but you must confirm with them. It is not automatic and usually involves an extra fee.   In this example the wife paid an extra $100 to the QDRO firm and they picked up the signed QDRO from the county clerk’s office and sent it to the company which manages ABC Company’s 401k.   

About 30-45 later, ABC Company sends a letter to the wife’s address of record notifying her the QDRO has been received and is being reviewed. Now the alternate payee or former wife can call ABC Company and discuss the QDRO with them.  However, ABC must still review the QDRO and confirm it is accurate.  If you had a QDRO firm prepare your QDRO and send it in for pre-approval, this should not be an issue.  In our example, let’s assume the letter was received by Jane on June 25. 

ABC Company must still review the QDRO which takes another 30-40 days.  On approximately August 2 in our example ABC sent a second letter to the alternate payee for the 401k QDRO letting her know the QDRO is approved, an alternate payee account now exists and they provide distribution options.   

In this example, the division of assets was decided on April 2, but the account was not available until August for the former wife.

Distribution  

Although this step frequently occurs at the same or immediately following the account segregation, it is important for the plan to follow the normal distribution process. In other words, the alternate payee must be provided with the necessary disclosures and then must submit the regular distribution request forms. Most plans include language that allows the alternate payee to take a distribution right away, but some plans limit that ability until the participant would otherwise be able to take a distribution. When distributions are permitted right away, it is our experience that the alternate payee is usually eager to do so.

 

Taxes

When an ex-spouse receives a cash distribution of plan benefits pursuant to a QDRO, he or she is responsible to pay the associated income tax.  You are taxed on these funds at your ordinary income rates as if you had a job which paid you the same amount. 

One key difference is that a cash-out distribution from a QDRO is not subject to the 10% early withdrawal penalty.  For example, going back to Jane Smith, she is 45 years old. If she were to take funds out of a pre-tax retirement account to use as cash, she would pay tax on the proceeds in addition to a 10% penalty.  However, if the cash withdrawal is from the QDRO funds directly, the 10% penalty is not applied.  Let’s assume Jane needs $100,000 to establish an emergency fund, pay divorce debt and buy a new car.  She would take $100,000 of her QDRO in cash and pay taxes based on her marginal tax bracket that year.  The remainder of her QDRO funds could be rolled into an IRA in her name alone without any tax liability due today.  Divorces can be messy, and financial negotiations can make an already heated situation reach a boiling point. We find it is helpful to have someone who understands this process and can guide you.   If you have QDRO questions, please schedule a strategy session with us to discuss what your next step should be.  We can not only help you receive your QDRO funds but we can help you map out a plan for how much tax you should send to the IRS, how much you need in cash and an investment strategy for the funds you move into your own account through our partner investment firm.

New Year New You: Three Resolutions Worth Making

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Starting over can seem impossible after divorce. We may have lost who we are, had our future erased, or felt hopeless. The direction of our lives was now completely different. A roadmap once dotted with destinations, now leads to someplace different. Now is the time to recapture and invent your new path. Here are three ways to reclaim and thrive in 2023. Let’s raise a glass and toast to new beginnings!

Rediscover Who You Are:

It can seem impossible to make a fresh start. We don’t know who we are as single adults. This new life can seem overwhelming and scary. Venturing into the unknown can feel like jumping into the abyss. I remember after my own divorce – I had no idea who I was as a single woman. My identity for years was “so and so’s wife”. As the years passed, I slowly lost who I was to who I was supposed to be in the eyes of my ex-husband and those he associated with him. Gaining a title meant losing myself. What I came to realize post-divorce was that there was more to me that being “Mrs. so and so”.

My strategy for doing this was to remind myself who I was prior to marriage and what I wanted for myself. I spent time reflecting on what I loved about myself prior to becoming a wife and cutting out the things that I had been told I needed to let go of once a ring was placed upon my finger. I revisited the times I had thought to myself, “ I wish he could see who I really am”. I had packed away all of the things I treasured most about myself and stuffed that sadness into a secret space within myself.

I made a new vow to myself instead of another person. It was time to rewrite my future. No more compromising my value as a person for the sake of someone else’s expectations. This realization that I could do anything as a single woman, as long as it didn’t conflict with the standards, I set for myself or affect the kind of mother I was. It was incredibly freeing.

I wanted to be a  valuable member in the work force. That may not be everyone’s dream, but that was mine. I wanted to garnish a good paycheck and do something that made me feel good about myself and helped others.  That is exactly what I found – and then some. 

Look Forward to Life

I love to travel and have found that having a trip on the horizon boosts my spirits.  It gives me something to be excited about. I may be feeling down or overwhelmed but I can always think about what’s to come and it keeps me moving forward. What do you love to do? Can you use those passions to drive you forward?

Part of the healing process in divorce is to highlight your life with things you love. Self-care is incredibly important during this time period. It can be small things like a good bubble bath and a book, new haircut, having your nails done, or even treating yourself to a nice dinner out with friends. It can also be really big things like moving into a new home, finding a job you’re passionate about, or traveling somewhere you’ve longed to explore all your life.

The world is your oyster! Get excited! Treat yourself to imaging your best life and taking steps to achieve the future you deserve.

Good Grief

Science has proven our brain chemistry is changed during this grieving process. We call it “divorce brain” and it’s very real. You may feel forgetful, overwhelmed, and stuck. Know that this grieving process is very similar to the death of a loved one. While you won’t ever forget this chapter in life, you can move past it.

One of the best and healthiest ways to do this is through the help of a mental health professional. Friends and family are great to vent to but can’t always give you the best advice. Their love for you and anger towards your ex creates a bias that doesn’t always work in your fav

 A Divorce Coach is also a wonderful avenue.  We can be used in conjunction with a therapist or by ourselves. Divorce Coaches create a safe, judgment free space for you to express all of your thoughts and emotions and help you come up with a plan to guide you through them one step at a time. Divorce coaches are not mental health professionals. We walk client’s step by step through the recovery process and onto a new path that they can be excited about. As a divorce coach, my goal with every client is to address emotion or aspects of life where they feel stuck and lead them into self-discovery.

Make 2023 a defining year in your life. Reinvent who you are and connect with who you were before. Create goals and moments that can inspire you to keep moving forward. Enlist the help of a therapist or counselor to support you in your recovery.

Divorce Strategies Group offers mediation, divorce financial planning, and divorce coaching. If you’re curious about Divorce Coaching and how it can play a part in the healing process, give us a call. We offer complimentary Discovery Session’s to answer questions and briefly touch on topics that are important to you.

Texas Divorce Mediation

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A Cost Effective and Expeditious Way to Divorce Amicably

Divorce can be hard on both the divorcing parties’ emotions and their wallets.   There is an alternative to traditional divorce litigation which may ease the emotional strain of a divorce and can be more cost effective in comparison to the traditional divorce process. That alternative is mediation. The Texas Bar Association defines mediation as a common dispute resolution method used to facilitate the reaching of an out of court settlement between two parties.

Over the years, mediation has been used increasingly in divorce and custody matters since it permits the parties to make final decisions instead of leaving decisions up to the Texas courts.  It also enables parties to handle their divorce in a private environment and create customized plans which fit their needs, not just boiler plate guidelines from the state.   

There are multiple benefits to mediation over traditional divorce. First, mediation can avoid a bitter contentious court room battle thereby promoting post-divorce harmony between the parties. Second, mediation may make a divorce easier on children of the marriage. Children often suffer emotionally as the result of a contentious divorce. Third, mediation may expedite a settlement agreement which is preferable to prolonged litigation. Fourth, mediation enables the parties to make the final decisions as to property and custody issues rather than leaving them up to a court. Finally, mediation is praised for its cost effectiveness given that the cost of mediation is considerably less than the cost of traditional divorce litigation.

The process

The actual mediator’s role is to be neutral and not represent either party to the divorce. Mediators are not allowed to give legal or financial advice to either party.  A mediator is not acting as a judge nor is the mediator able to dictate any terms to either party.   Instead, the mediator’s role is to encourage the parties to reach an agreement by talking through options, considering the strengths and weaknesses of both parties’ cases, the costs of litigation versus the merits of a settlement, etc.

Mediation is not required to produce an agreement. Indeed, in some instances, the parties simply cannot reach an agreement with each other. In that event, traditional divorce litigation is the only realistic option. If an agreement is reached during mediation, the parties will sign a binding written contract that will be enforceable in the Texas courts.

It is a good idea for the divorcing parties to each have their own attorneys who will be present during the actual mediation. This ensures that the parties’ respective interests will be protected during the process as they will have legal advice provided on every offer and option discussed.

Seeking advice

Some mediators are more active in the process than others depending on their personalities.   At Divorce Strategies Group we play a very active role in the mediation process.  We first meet with both parties to explain the process and confirm both parties are committed to mediation.  Next, we gather a list of financial items which enables us to create a martial inventory for the parties.  We then meet with each party individually walking through the estate matters and potential division options. This also creates an opportunity to discuss what life will look like after the divorce for each individual – how much will you potentially receive in assets? Where will you be financially?  Can you afford to keep the home? What is your tax situation?  While we are not giving tax or financial advice, we are providing information to help you make informed decisions.  We then bring in a family law attorney for each party to discuss children’s issues including a parenting plan and financial issues with your children.   The attorney will also review the estate and potentially offer alternatives or guidance.   Each party will have their own attorney who will act as an advocate for them. While the mediator is a neutral party, your attorney is your advocate in the process providing legal counsel and guidance for you.      

If you are considering a divorce and wonder if mediation is right for you, schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation today with Divorce Strategies Group.  We encourage you and your spouse to attend the consultation to learn about how this process may help you navigate the waters of divorce in a gentler, softer manner. 

Confidence in Conflict: Three Methods to Resolving Conflict Without Losing Your Cool

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In coaching we often suggest clients that they “keep Amy in the backseat” when you’re in a conflict. We are referring to your Amygdala. A tiny almond shaped structure in our brains. Although small, it is mighty. The amygdala controls the fight or flight response in our bodies and brains. Often it acts instinctually and without warning. This is especially true when dealing with a High Conflict Personality (HPC) partner. Our brain unconsciously takes over and we often respond in ways we normally wouldn’t. When we feel lack of control or vulnerability it’s nearly impossible to have thoughtful, well considered conflict resolutions.

There are methods to keep “Amy” in the backseat. Here are three communication tactics that can help you regulate, respond, and rise above conflict.

Regulate:

In divorce cases we see several physical responses that happen when we are faced feeling attacked. I want to focus on two that I see most often.

Approaching conflict with aggression. Aggressive communication is when you state your needs and leave little room for your partner to share theirs. Examples of aggressive communication would be an attempt to dominate the conversation, using humiliation, critical language, and “you” statements in an attempt to avoid your responsibility in the situation and negate feeling insecure about yourself. This method of communication is often seeing with HPC’s.

Fawning is a response that is very common, especially with clients that have suffered past trauma or suffer from PTSD. Fawning is a maladaptive survival response. It is ones need to avoid conflict at any cost. When a client is in a fawning response they often exhibit people pleasing behaviors, deny their truth for the sake of ending the conflict, and feel that they are unworthy and undervalued.

Approaching conflict with either response can is a recipe for disaster. One of you will surely walk away from the conflict feeling “less than”, unheard, and unloved. We can regulate our own physical reactions to regulate our bodies response to threats. Start with a deep breath. Taking a moment to center yourself and regulate your breathing can instantly change the bodies stress response. Take a break from the conflict, find a quiet place, and spend five minutes focusing on your breath, inhaling, and exhaling slowly. You are allowed to excuse yourself from the conversation. The conflicts you are trying to resolve did not develop overnight and they do not have to be resolved in an instant. When you feel your heart rate begin to rise and the walls feel like they are closing in, simply tell your partner you need a moment to gather yourself and acknowledge you will touch back on the topic when you are in control of your thoughts and emotions. There is absolutely no reason These simple tactics can you help you prepare for the response phase of the argument and knock it down to a discussion.

Reason:

Reasonable, well thought out responses to conflict help us to protect our mental health, self-worth, and sanity.

Now that you have taken a moment to gather yourself, it’s time to gather your thoughts. I encourage clients to take time to look at things from their partners viewpoint. Try to understand the issue and why it is so important to them. At times, the real reason may be convoluted by finger pointing and “you never” statements. For example, my client is angry that her husband forgot it was their anniversary.

She took time and made an effort to make him his favorite meal and buy him a card. How dare he not get her a gift? Is the issue the gift? Is it possible that the gift was the issue on the surface of the problem but really, she feels uncared for, unloved, and possibly unworthy? In true conflict, we must dig deeper to find the issue because it’s rarely floating on the surface of our relationships. Changing our perspective in turn changes our insight.

What if your partner can’t articulate the deeper issue? I suggest questioning them with curiosity. What are you upset about? Can you tell me why you feel like that? and my personal favorite, “what was your expectation of me in that moment?” Try not to interrupt them and stay on the actual issue at hand. Curious questioning does a few things. It gives your partner acknowledgement that you are open to listening and a willingness to let them articulate how they really feel. This can lead to a deeper understanding of their perspective, the opportunity to form a more informed opinion for yourself, and hopefully a resolution in the conflict itself.

How we respond to our partner can make or break the outcome of the conversation. You have the choice to respond in a non-confrontational manner once your partner has finished speaking. “I had no idea you felt that way, do you mind if I address this from my perspective?” or “I would like to avoid continuing to argue about this topic, how do we suggest we fix it?” The goal is to identify the issue, take responsibility only for our actions (if there is any), and stop the conflict cycle in its tracks.

Rise above:

“But Melissa, this just makes it seem like I’m being a pushover! By keeping my cool and not showing a reaction, the other person doesn’t know how much they have affected me with their words or actions.” This is precisely why these methods work. HCP’s are fueled by the ability to incite hurt, confusion, and lack of control on their target. If you have been with your partner for a while, they know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction from you. They will rely on that pattern to gaslight, stonewall, and trigger you to get their desired outcome. How many times have you ended a conflict and come away questioning yourself, your involvement, and wondering if you really are at fault for the problem?

Let’s change that! By regulating your body’s reactions, thoroughly considering your responses, and responding without malice, you have taken all the control back and on your terms. You weren’t goaded into angry reactions and remorseful words that can’t be taken back. You maintained your dignity, bolstered your self-worth, and you can leave the conversation feeling good about who you are at your core.

This is not something you can learn overnight. High conflict relationships are volatile, and these methods must be practiced over time. After all, you are fighting your amygdala, its natural response, and it takes time to unlearn unhealthy communication. This is why so many of my clients continue with coaching even after divorce, particularly with co- parenting after divorce. These methods work and can be applied to any kind of conflict that needs resolution.

Divorce Coach

At Divorce Strategies Group, we offer mediation and coaching services for clients thinking about divorce, in the midst of divorce, and even co-parent coaching. If you can relate to this article, I’d love to talk to you. Complimentary Discovery Session’s can be booked directly through our website.

* If you are currently in a relationship and experiencing domestic violence, this article is not applicable. Please call/chat/text with an advocate by calling 800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org.

What is a Divorce Coach and How Can they Help You?

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[Are you waking up at 3:00 AM, feeling overwhelmed and panicked by the uncertainty of your future?

Questions and worries run through your mind? “Can I afford to get divorced?” “How do I tell my spouse our marriage it’s over?” “What about our kids?” “How do I tell them?” “How will I survive?” “Do I have to share my retirement savings?” “Do I need to lawyer up?” “What lawyer do I hire?”

The questioning can be endless and in a attempt to find answers, you start Googling. Taking the first steps in a divorce can be terrifying and overwhelming. In researching, something pops up about “Divorce Coaching.” Like almost everything else related to divorce, this is a new term for you.

What is a Divorce Coach?

A Divorce Coach is a trained mental health professional who shepherds you through your divorce. Divorce Coaches have unique expertise in divorce, co-parenting, parenting planning, child development, the impact of divorce on children, and all other issues related to divorce. Divorce Coaching is not therapy. Instead, coaches specialize in helping you emotionally cope with divorce before, during and after the process.

Is Divorce Coaching Right for Me?

For most people, the prospect of a divorce is an overwhelming life crisis. You need to make big decisions at a time when you are emotionally overloaded. The demands and decisions can be confusing. Divorce can require the time and energy of a full-time job (when a lot of women already have full time jobs and are full time moms).   In the process, it can also be exhausting to get through each day especially when you are meeting with your legal team or financial advisors to discuss divorce related issues.  You don’t know what steps you need to take, how you can figure it all out, or how long it will take. If this sounds familiar, then a Divorce Coach can help. 

How Can a Coach Help?

A Divorce Coach can help you understand one of the first and most important decisions you will have to make. You will need to decide which of the divorce process options available to you will work best for your family: a do-it-yourself divorce, mediation, collaborative law divorce, or litigation. The process you choose will dramatically affect your outcomes and the process.

A Divorce Coach will walk the path with you, through the legal process you have chosen, to provide support and guidance when needed. Divorce coaches also offer post-divorce support, addressing issues like co-parenting, setting up a spending plan, and claiming your new life.

One of the first and most painful things you will have to do is talk to your children about the upcoming changes in your family. A Divorce Coach will help you (and often your spouse) structure and plan for this, telling your children what they need to know. The Coach will help you respond to their questions and concerns in age-appropriate ways.

A Divorce Coach will help you build or strengthen your skills to cope with your emotions, especially at meetings with professionals and your spouse. In addition, your Coach can help you develop and hold you accountable for implementing much needed self-care practices.  This is critical as they can help you feel more grounded and help you cope during this time of life changes.

A Divorce Coach will help you begin to envision your life post-divorce, as a single parent and perhaps going back to work. The Coach will help you set goals and keep you accountable for them. This type of planning may influence your divorce negotiations. For example, if you need re-training to enter the workforce, this can be discussed as part of your divorce settlement.

Coaching will help you develop skills for the negotiations, which usually come after the information-gathering stage. With the help of your Coach, you will be clear about what is important to you in the final resolution. Identifying what matters most to you and where you can compromise is critical in divorce negotiations, and a Coach can help you do this with confidence.

Your Coach will help you understand and think through the many decisions you will be asked to make. A coach can help you feel brave, confident, and articulate in expressing what matters to you without being hijacked by emotions. This makes the process more efficient and cost-effective!

A Divorce Coach can help you build a new kind of parenting partnership relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. A Coach can work with you to establish good communication, boundaries, and strategies for dealing with issues that inevitably arise.

A Divorce Coach provides a safe space to emotionally let go, vent, breathe and heal.

How Do I Find a Divorce Coach?

At Divorce Strategies Group we offer complimentary Discovery Sessions to discuss you and your situation. This introductory call with Divorce Coach Melissa Provence allows us to learn about you and pinpoint your immediate needs. Let’s talk!

The Mediation Process – How It Works

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Mediation is a structured, interactive process where an impartial third-party helps disputing parties in resolving conflict using specialized communication and negotiation techniques. The mediator is there to aid the parties in reaching their own agreement. The mediated settlement agreement is not a decision by the mediator as to how the divorce should be decided; it is an agreement between the parties as to how the parties’ issues are to be resolved. The mediator’s function is to use the mediator’s legal and financial knowledge as well specialized negotiating skills to facilitate a resolution for the parties.

Usually what happens at mediation is both parties meet with the mediator at the mediator’s office or a special mediation center. Almost all mediators now immediately divide the parties into different rooms. Typically, the mediator will start out with the Petitioner and will spend an hour or more learning about the particulars of the Petitioner’s case. Many times, the mediator will not even try to get an offer of settlement out of the Petitioner during the first meeting. Then the mediator will meet with the Respondent for a similar period of time. This way the mediator becomes completely familiar with the issues that exist between the parties.

With Divorce Strategies Group mediation process, we meet with the parties several times before mediation day to learn about your situation, your wants, and your wishes. We walk through your finances – what you own, what you owe and different options for division. In addition, we meet with each party prior to mediation to discuss the decisions you will need to make with your children in a formal parenting plan during mediation. With Divorce Strategies Group mediation process, we provide two mediators – a divorce financial mediator who understands even the most complex estate issues as well an experienced family law attorney mediator to walk through parenting plan options and oversee the entire legal process. You will have two experienced mediators – each with a different area of expertise, helping you with the decisions you need to make to achieve a resolution to your dispute.

During mediation, the mediator(s) will go back and forth between the parties negotiating a settlement. Skilled mediators can provide particularly helpful suggestions to the parties when an impasse on a particular situation begins to arise. Many times, people go into mediation with the attitude of “my way or the highway.” A good mediator can usually deflect this type of attitude by making suggestions for settlement that neither party thought of before mediation. If an agreement is reached at mediation, then the mediator prepares a Mediated Settlement Agreement which is signed by the parties and becomes binding.

Many people serving as mediators are highly experienced attorneys. In order to be a mediator, an attorney must undergo substantial training in the art of negotiation and the ethics of mediation. Another person who is often a mediator is someone with substantial financial knowledge in the specialized realm of divorce finance as well as specific training in family law mediation. At Divorce Strategies Group, we provide both.

There are usually a few rules that go with mediation. First, everything that occurs at mediation is confidential and cannot be used in court. The mediator(s) can never be brought into court to testify one way or another. Furthermore, the parties are barred by the court from stating in court what occurred at mediation. Secondly, when you are discussing your case with the mediator, the mediator is free to assume that whatever you tell the mediator may be discussed with the other side. However, if you have a certain piece of information that you believe critically shapes your case, and the other side does not have that information, and you do not want them to learn about it, you should be sure and tell the mediator that you do not want the mediator to disclose that information to the other side. In that case, the mediator(s) will keep your information private.

As I pointed our earlier, once you sign a mediated settlement agreement it is irrevocable and binding, and a party is entitled to ask the court to enter a final decree of divorce based upon the mediated settlement agreement. That means at the end of mediation day, your agreements are binding. There are no “take backs”. The negotiations – aka the fight — is over. At this point, we usually help the parties decide which accounts are going to be used by whom, timelines for transitioning of accounts and even a timeline for moving out of the marital home if needed and any other pertinent issues.

Usually, a mediated settlement agreement is a shorthand rendition of the parties’ agreement. Afterwards, an attorney will prepare a Final Decree of Divorce based off the mediated settlement agreement and submit it to the court for entry by the court.

Usually, mediation is an all-day affair. At Divorce Strategies Group, we try to walk into mediation knowing where agreements already exist and where the disputes will arise. We then focus on helping the parties walk through the disputes in order to find a win-win solution or a compromise everyone can live with. That way, we are not in mediation late into the evening when judgement is not always clear, and tensions are higher.

At Divorce Strategies Group, our goal is to help parties achieve a settlement for their family and their finances in a softer, gentler fashion. We strive to help you achieve a resolution within a few short months without catastrophic loss to the estate and nearly a year wasted in litigation. For more information on Divorce Strategies Group mediation process, please visit us at Divorce Strategies Group. We look forward to helping you!