Family & Children

January is the historically the biggest month of the year regarding the number of divorces filed.  We are now what professionals in the divorce world refer to as “Divorce Season”.  Couples have had one last unhappy holiday experience and they are ready to call it quits, or they knew they were divorcing before the holiday season but wanted to wait until after for their children’s sake.  You can start coping during divorce even when it hurts.

Now, it’s February, you or your spouse has filed for divorce and you are now in the process of getting divorced.  That’s a big move and it’s a very unsettling time, to say the least!

I remember when I went through this, I had a wide range of emotions.  I could feel any of the following in a single day: frustration, anger, powerless, denial, relief, confusion, frustration, rage, sadness, sorrow, shame, gratitude and fear.

Relationship separation and divorce are among the toughest life experiences people can face.  Losing a relationship is a very painful experience, even if the relationship is not a good one.  Many find that they may not be sad about losing an unloving, unkind spouse.  They are sadder about losing what could have been or what was planned.  I felt that way.  I lost the huge family attached to my spouse.  I lost the dream of being a stay at home mom (I’ve since retracted that dream after a moment with it).  I also lost the dream of an intact, loving family unit.  I was now going to be “one of those people” who would cry over not having their children at Christmas or Easter.  Unfathomable. That was the worst blow of all.

These feelings can lead to practical difficulties such as loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, difficulties at work and social withdrawal.  While these are painful and distressing, these feeling are normal and with time and coping during divorce, their impact will lessen.

Despite all the tough times, this change can bring about, it’s important to remember that life will get back to normal, although “normal” may look and feel different from what you’re used to or had hoped for.  A new ‘normal’ will settle in, where it will be possible to continue living a fulfilling and happy life.  It certainly has for me!! My life looks nothing like what I had envisioned when I married my ex-husband, but I think it’s far better than I ever could have with him.  I wish him no ill will, quite the contrary I wish him well as he is the father of my child.  I have neutrality surrounding emotions toward him – I feel neither love nor anger.  It’s a beautiful place to be.  However, getting here was no small task.  Below are a few things I did to cope with the separation process.  I hope they help you with coping during divorce as much as they helped me.

1. I had 6 girl friends on speed dial, and I’d call them all repeatedly.  I had 6 because at the time that was the number of close friends I had.  I didn’t want to wear any one of them down with my crying, sobbing, grief, and anger.  I would call one and talk for a while (and cry for a while) and then call another.  This was invaluable.
2. Music.  One of my 6 made a play list for me.  My list was from the album “Stripped” by Christina Aguilera.  It helped me.  I hear those songs today (12 years later) and I smile thinking of my friend who was so thoughtful, and I am reminded how far I have come.
3. Therapy.  I really cannot stress this enough.  Many people don’t like the awkwardness of sitting with a stranger who you are paying to talk about your issues, but it’s so helpful!!! My therapist was a life line, a cheer leader, a coach and a confidant.  I could not have done this without her.
4. Support Group.  This is another item on the list of stuff you won’t want to do but should do.  I attended a “Divorce Care” group and it was also a lifeline.  I also received the care, support and compassion I needed.  My group of DC folks went out to dinner after each meeting.  It was so helpful to be a part of others who were “recovering” from this experience – I could not have survived without them either.
5. Prayer & Meditation.  You may not believe in God but having some type of “higher power” if you will, is going to save your life.  Something bigger than you that can help you get through this.  Connecting to my “higher power” was huge during this time.  I also found I grew spiritually in a way I cannot describe.  There were even a few moments where I had the “peace that passes all understanding”.  My daughter would be in anguish over something that was said at her dad’s house and I would feel the peace (not all the time, but I did fee l it) when I should have felt anything but peace.
6. Purposeful Communication with your separated spouse.  Of all the tools, this one I didn’t learn until after the divorce.  This would have helped so much during the separation. (This also could have saved me several thousand dollars!!) When you are speaking to your separated spouse, have a purpose for the conversation.  Keep the conversation on topic or politely (I cannot stress politely enough) recluse yourself.  During the separation, it may also be a good idea to have a list of topics you are covering in front of you when you speak to your separated spouse.  Have a purpose for each communication.  Are you concerned with managing the marital home, co-parenting children or arranging schedules?  Those are all good reasons to have to speak to him or her.  If it’s just to vent or to tell them how they should do something, don’t talk to them!! Talk to your friends, your family, your support group or your therapist – but not to your spouse!  Emotions are high right now and the less negative communication, the better.
7. Self-care.  You are walking through one of the worst, most stressful experiences of your life.  Give yourself a break!! Also, give yourself some love.  I practiced this in many ways: coffee with friends, working out, walking, taking off work early to play with my daughter at the park, yoga, bubble baths, read a book or listen to audio recordings that lift you up.  I also embarked on new things – I met new people through my church and through different social groups.  I joined new groups.  I volunteered and met new people in doing so.  I created a new Christmas routine with my daughter the year of our separation.  I took care of myself so I could better take care of my daughter and my clients at work.

These are the biggest tools I used to help coping during divorce.  The experience was not easy, and I don’t wish to ever do it again.  But, looking in the rear-view mirror, I’m glad it happened.  Not only is life better today with a new partner, but after my divorce was final, I made a list of “gifts” I received from the divorce process.  It was amazing how much had been given to me during such a terrible time.  I was grateful.  I hope at some point you are too.

If we can help you when you’re trying to navigate coping during divorce, please call.  We at Divorce Strategies Group not only understand the divorce finance, we have been there ourselves and know what you are going through.  We are here to help!

This fall I will attend multiple Friday night football games where my daughter will dance on drill team.  She will look in the stands and see her father and mother beaming with pride for her.  She won’t see us sitting together, but she will see us getting along. We will be cordial and kind to one another as will our new spouses.  Everyone will get along to help children cope with divorce.

She will not feel any turmoil as there is none.  She will not feel angst over her parents being together.  She will be like any other 8^th grade dancer out there.  Focused on her team, her dancing and her friends.  This was not the case for many years. There was turmoil, there was unkindness and there was much angst.  When we had to meet it was stressful and felt by everyone in the room. As hard as a divorce can be on the separating partners, it can be even harder on any children involved. As a parent, it’s up to you to soothe some of their turmoil. Here are some tips to help you make the adjustment as easy as possible for everyone.

1. Let Them Keep Both Parents

To really help children cope with divorce, you want your kids to feel as if they’re still part of one family–just spread out under two roofs.  Helping them maintain a relationship with your ex may not be what you want, but it is what’s best. Your kids really do need it. You and your former spouse should both spend plenty of time with the kids. Sharing the responsibly of raising them isn’t a nice-to-have for either parent: it’s a must.

2. Leave Them out of the Drama

Your children aren’t soldiers in a conflict with your ex. Don’t make them feel like they must side with anyone. Letting them stay completely neutral in every respect will ease their transition to the new structure.  Here are some healthy habits you can form to help with this:

• Only say nice things about your ex around your kids.
• Don’t gossip about your ex.
• Never ask your kids to keep secrets from their other parent.
• Never use them as little messengers to communicate with your ex.
• Don’t try to hog them to yourself to “punish” your ex.
• Don’t compete with your ex to win favor. Even after a divorce, parenting is still a collaboration, not a competition.

3. Make Your Home a Safe Space

Kids can sometimes feel like they’ve betrayed you by spending time with your ex. Do everything you can to ward off that anxiety. Your home should always be a sanctuary for your children. Don’t let them feel like they’re bringing the effects of the divorce along with them.  Always welcome them into a safe, cozy home, free from any negativity.  And don’t assume you know their feelings, either. Kids can be better than you might think at hiding insecurities. Go above and beyond to reassure them.  None of it is their fault, right? Your feelings toward your ex don’t affect your love for them. Nothing at all could ever affect your love for them.  You know all that, of course. Make sure they always do too. Make sure they believe it.

4. Let Them Be Kids

Divorce always comes with a whole slew of adult problems. That’s unavoidable, but you should leave those adult problems to the adults. And your kids? Well, they should just keep right on being kids. To help children cope with divorce, maintain their social life, play dates, sports, and more. These distractions are a great way to keep their thoughts away from doubt and sadness.  Don’t burden them with grownup issues or let them wallow in confusion. Fill their days and nights with good old-fashioned being-a-kid. Childhood itself can be the best balm for any child’s concerns.

Divorce is never easy for anyone.  However, in a divorce with kids involved, matters become even more complicated.  Kids often have a hard time understanding the separation, and may struggle with confusion, sadness, and even anger.  You and your ex-spouse can do plenty to minimize the load on your kids’ shoulders, however.  What follows are 17 tips that will help you get them through this tumultuous time with their emotional well-being intact.

Here’s how:

1. Stay Positive.

It’s safe to assume both parties in any divorce proceeding will experience a fair amount of negative feelings.  Hurt, anger, blame – they’re all par for the course when a long-term relationship doesn’t work out.

But your children shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of that pain.  They shouldn’t be your confidants about your struggles and they shouldn’t be treated like your adult friends.  They’re just kids.  They’ll have plenty of issues of their own to work through without having to take yours on, too.

Save your blame and your rants (especially the rants) for the appropriate audience outside the home.

2. Make Your Home a Safe Sanctuary.

It’s easy for kids to feel like they’ve betrayed you by spending time with your ex.  Head that suspicion off at the pass.

When your kids come to your house, don’t let them feel “tainted” by their other parent in your eyes.  Welcome them into a warm, happy home, free from bitterness and strife.

Being neutral is not good enough.  Be enthusiastically welcoming, interested, and supportive.  Go the extra mile to send the right message – that when they come home they are in a safe place where they are loved regardless of their parents’ decision to part ways.

3. Don’t Communicate Through the Kids During a Divorce.

No one wants to talk to his or her ex.  We get it.  We do.  However, using your kids as messengers to avoid those awkward conversations isn’t the way to go.

You won’t be doing your kids (or yourself) any favors by using them as go-betweens.  If you have something to tell your ex, you can communicate with them directly or through your lawyer.

4. Don’t Bad Mouth Your Ex-Spouse in Front of the Kids.

There are probably some unkind things you could say about your ex-spouse.  If you have to say those things, don’t say them in front of your kids.  They shouldn’t have to listen to one parent badmouth the other.

Be kind around your children.  If you don’t have anything nice to say about your ex, then don’t say anything about them at all.

5. Don’t Burden Your Kids with Adult Problems During the Divorce.

Kids can’t carry the heavy things grownups can.  There are a lot of subjects and problems they aren’t prepared to tackle yet.

Letting even a hint of adult concerns slip could mean turmoil for a little one (or maybe a not-so-little one).  It can lead to angst, sleepless nights, and undue stress for their young hearts.

Your children don’t need that, and neither do you.

Every divorce is brimming with adult problems.  Let the adults worry about them and leave your kids in blissful oblivion.

6. Don’t Gossip.

Will Rogers said, “The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.”  That being said, avoid the temptation of gossiping around your children.

Going through a divorce with kids involved means you need to fight the urge to gossip about your ex.  Your kids don’t need to know any dirty little secrets about their other parent.  Just skip that whole mess to yourself and don’t share the sordid details with your children.

7. Have a Good Attitude.

Your mood has a significant impact on your kids.  Yeah, you know that already, but you’re probably still underestimating the full effect.

Laugh and smile when you’d rather brood or cry.  Show a zest for life even if you don’t feel it.  That may be asking a lot sometimes but do your best.

Plenty of employees must grin and bear it every day even when they’d rather scream at troublesome customers.  If they can manage it for total strangers, you can handle it for your flesh and blood.

Right?  Right.

Your kids need it.

8. Avoid Moving the Kids (if Possible.)

A stable residence and quiet school life can do a world of good for helping kids get through a divorce.

Yes, you might want to scrub your life clean and start over on the opposite coast.  Just keep in mind that this is a time when your kids’ needs should come first.

In some instances, you may not have a choice.  If not, try to keep sleepovers going and arrange play dates with their closest friends.  Create opportunities for them to form new friendships, too, and encourage healthy social activity.

9. Implement a Parenting Plan

We understand you probably don’t want to communicate with your ex very much.  However, whether you like it or not, you’re going to have to share the responsibility of parenting.  That means coordinating with your former spouse.

Work with your ex to find common ground on how best to raise your kids.  It’s good for you, your ex – and most importantly, your kids.  It will also make your divorce proceeding smoother.

10. Don’t Make Your Kids Pick Sides

Your kids don’t want to take sides.  What’s more, they don’t need to take sides, and you shouldn’t expect them to.

Scratch that; you should make efforts to stop them.

Let your kids stay neutral.  They’ll want to love and respect both of their parents, and it’s best for everyone involved that they do.

11. Don’t Make Your Kids Keep Secrets

You don’t want to remind your kids of the consequences of your divorce any more than you must.  By telling your kids to hide things from your ex, you’re drawing attention to the family divide.

You want to present a picture of a unified parental front (even if the hidden reality is another matter).

12. Don’t Use the Kids as Pawns

There will probably be times when you’re mad at your former spouse.  It can be tempting to try to get back at them by hogging the kids.

Don’t do that.

Your kids aren’t pawns between you and your ex.  They love both of their parents, and they need to spend time with each.  Let them.

13. Stay Involved

Keeping your ex in your life may not be what you want, but it is what’s best.  Your kids do need frequent and ongoing contact with both parents.

Being involved means plenty of time with the kids and a shared hand in raising them.

14. Reassure and Support Your Children

Kids are prone to self-doubt.  A divorce with kids is a breeding ground for confusion, fear, and blame.

Make sure your kids understand that the divorce isn’t their fault.  They didn’t cause it, they aren’t making it worse, and they can’t change it.

Remember: kids are good at hiding their feelings.  Don’t just assume you know what they’re thinking.  Ask them.  Talk to them.

They’re worth it.

15. Don’t Bribe Your Kids

Don’t try to become “fun parent” or favorite parent by attempting to buy love with money and freedom.  Your kids should love and respect you because you’re a stable, affectionate parent.

Catering to their every whim is a way to earn some quick “cool parent” points, sure.  So is showering them with every toy or tech gadget they could want.

Saying yes to every request is a good way to create an entitled mentality and cause big problems in the future.  However, by being a responsible, caring adult, you’ll form stronger, healthier relationships with your kids in the long run.

Give your kids a good, safe, happy, secure, disciplined life.  Work with your ex-spouse to make that happen.

16. Let Your Kids be Kids

Sometimes, the best solution to a child’s problems is childhood itself.

Through the divorce and beyond, don’t stop your kids from being kids.  Maintain their play dates and other activities.  Schedule new ones.

Distractions will help keep their minds off any sadness or doubt.

17. Put the Kids First

Putting your kids first in your life is the kind of tip you’d think would go without saying.  The truth is, though, it does need to be said and often.

We don’t doubt your heart is in the right place.  You do love your kids.  However, in the confusion and heartache of a divorce with kids involved, it’s easy for them to slip to the back burner.

Keep a close eye on them.  Focus on how they adapt and adjust to the new structure.  Ideally, you want them to think of themselves as one family spread out under two roofs.

Divorce With Kids – In Summary

There’s no easy way to go through a divorce – not for you, and not for your kids.  However, these tips should help minimize potential problems and keep the process as smooth as possible.

If you are contemplating a divorce, give us a call at (281) 210-0057.