By Denise French, EA, CVA/MAFF, CDFA, CRPC
Do you know you want a divorce but are afraid to tell your spouse? After walking through thousands of divorces in my career at this point, I offer some insight into what we’ve seen as the ‘best’ and ‘worst’ ways to achieve this dauting task.
This will be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. Here are my best tips based on the clients we’ve worked with over the years.
- Make sure the kids are somewhere else. Even if you want this divorce, you’ll need time to deal with the emotions of telling your spouse you want out. That is the first of many steps that brings finality. It’s emotional. Your spouse will also need time to deal with this. Send the children away for the night or the weekend.
- Be direct and as compassionate as possible. I advise telling your spouse simply and directly. Own it. Say it. It is also okay to let them know you don’t want to discuss any details in the moment. It might even be a good idea to leave and spend the night elsewhere to avoid a huge emotional situation. You’ll both likely be better off for it.
- Do it in person. Whatever you do, do NOT tell them in writing, an email, or, mostly, a text message! Have the courage to say it to their face. You made this decision – own it and tell them honestly and openly, and if possible, with kindness.
- Speak only about yourself. Do not attack! Absolutely no “you” statements. It should go something like this; “I made a decision for myself that I need to tell you about. At this point, I can no longer stay in this marriage, and I want to start the divorce process. All the reasons aren’t important anymore. I just know that I need things to change. I also know this is a lot to absorb. I’ve arranged to stay somewhere else tonight, so you can have some time to process this, and neither of us will do anything we will regret. I’m really sorry.” And quietly walk out. Things may not go that smoothly, but that’s a good way to start.
- Don’t make idle threats about not giving your spouse any money or taking the children. This will only cause fear and create groundwork for a long emotionally and financially costly war. I often see couples who are at the beginning stages of divorce doing this. Keep with those “I” statements and only say what you think and what you feel.
- Make sure you’re safe. If there is ANY possibility that you might be met with anger or violence, be sure that someone is with you. You might also want to have the police on notice and patrolling the area. Have them stand by the front door while you speak to your spouse in private and then immediately leave.
- Once the decision is made, educate yourself.