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Divorce Strategies Group

Divorce Strategies Group

Denise French

  • Divorce Mediation
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  • Support Groups
    • Divorce Support Groups For Women
    • Divorce Support Groups For Men
  • Post-Divorce Transition
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family law

Good Things Can Come From Divorce

August 10, 2020 By Denise French, CVA, MAFF, CDFA, CRPC Leave a Comment

Let’s face it. Change is tough for many people and divorce changes just about every facet of your life.  Divorce can often test one’s ability to handle change to an extreme.   Some people struggle more than others with change. They fight it, avoid it, fear it, and sometimes feel guilty about it. These notions would make anyone want to keep things as normalized as possible. One would think only adrenaline junkies and dysfunctional people would want to disrupt what could be a perfectly normal situation.   However, change can be very positive and powerful, especially if you have been in an unhappy or abusive marriage.   Here are five truths in my life I’ve experienced with change.  Hopefully this will help readers cope with their own life changes.

1. Change is inevitable

While divorce may not be inevitable, relationships will evolve. Whether you cling to what you have or long for something more, change is unavoidable. Nothing can or will stay the same. You have power when it comes to change. Your actions or reactions to change will determine how positive or negative the change is. Get comfortable with the notion of change as part of the evolution of life and stop resisting.

My divorce meant not only losing a spouse, but losing his entire family, the life I had envisioned and dreams I had of being a stay at home mom.  Oddly, I have a relationship with my ex-spouses family today.  It’s different than it was, but it’s good.  I also had the chance to be a “stay at home” mom for a year, and I found I really didn’t like it.   I love to work and I’m a better mom because of it.  I own two businesses today which I never would have had the chance to own if I had stayed in my marriage – he would not have given me the freedom to explore these opportunities.  What was the absolutely worst thing in 2007 is a gift today.

2. Change helps your brain stay healthy

Science suggest our brains need new and varied problems to work on. When our minds aren’t working out problems, solving mysteries, or figuring things out we can become weak. Change is one of the best ways to keep our brains healthy. This means our lifespan will be healthier, and our mind will not be as susceptible to diseases like dementia. It’s good for your brain to embrace the change in your life as a puzzle you can solve.

I certainly fought the divorce in the beginning, and I went through the stages of grief for at least a year if not longer.  No doubt, there was a grieving process to walk through.  However, my divorce also brought about new changes which were fun and unexpected, like meeting new friends and having a fun, loving social environment.  I was also able to thrive with my career after the divorce which meant learning a lot of new things and experiencing new challenges.  When I was no longer subject to emotional abuse I was able to really thrive and grow.

3. Change creates maturity

Sometimes change comes with a price tag. Sometimes change comes with a penalty. Sometimes change requires risk, and sometimes change is forced on us. No matter how change occurs, it causes us to grow. From learning we are tougher than we realized and having to do some difficult things – change creates maturity.

When my divorce was over I made a list of gifts.  To my suprise, I had three pages of small, single spaced gifts.  Many of them had to do with personal strength and fortitude.  I’m so much stronger today.  While I certainly would not have chosen this path voluntarily, I’m so grateful today for it.

4. Change teaches you to overcome fear and anxiety

Whether stepping out towards change in doubt or being pushed into the unknown without your consent, change can be scary. The devil we know is easier to manage than the one we don’t. Once the fears are faced, they are often scarier in theory than reality. Change teaches you to overcome fear and anxiety as you learn new coping skills or how to talk yourself through fear.

I was a single mom of a 2 year old child when my divorce was final – that is big change.  It was scary.  Looking back I’m convinced there is no stronger force than a parent protecting their child.  Being a single mom of a young child drove me to bigger and better things with my career.  It also lead me to be a better mom and person.   I no longer fear financial insecurity (for the most part).  I no longer fear being alone. I no longer fear many things – all because of what I went through.

5. Change gives you choices

Once the spirit of change is validated and embraced, change can become part of your normal routine.  If you choose something and don’t like it, that isn’t the end of the line. Change things again! From changing your coffee order to the brand of cereal your family eats this week, change can be fun. From picking a new wall color to a new genre of book to read, change can be exciting. From changing where you volunteer your time or which organization you donate to, change can matter to more people.

When my divorce was final I made big changes to my house – I repainted rooms, moved furniture around, rearranged the cabinets and made changes to the yard.  These small changes made a big difference.  Small things like which cabinet your plates are in can help facilitate change in your head and heart which can give you courage for more change.    In my first marriage I really wanted multiple children.  As a child I was much younger than my siblings and as a result raised as an only child.  I did not like it.  I decided very young I would have no children or multiple children – but not an only child!  Even though my first husband and I had decided on two or three children when we married, after our first (and only) child was born he decided he didn’t want any more.   Well, guess what.  When I remarried it was to someone with three young children, and now we have five!! Talk about an evolution of change.  It is a beautiful blended crazy mess which this extrovert absolutely loves.

There are many truths about change – some scary and some not so much. Embrace the concept of change, and it will lead to enjoying the realities of change.   We at Divorce Strategies Group are here to help you navigate changes from married to single.  Schedule a strategy session or call us at 281-210-0057 to schedule your first mediation session today.  No matter what your situation we strive to help our clients walk through divorce with confidence, strength and courage!

Filed Under: Divorce Support, Family & Children Tagged With: #divorce recovery group, #divorcesupport, alimony, attorney, co-parenting, divorce attorney, divorce mediation, divorce with children, family law, mediation, mediation in texas

Life Insurance & Divorce

November 1, 2019 By Denise French, CVA, MAFF, CDFA, CRPC Leave a Comment

Many of our clients come to us before divorce mediation with some type of life insurance. The question we hear weekly is “Can I keep the life insurance policy in the divorce?” Well, it depends. You can keep many types of contracts, but you need to know what you own before you decide who is keeping what. There are many variables in a life insurance contract and other questions you also need answers to. Are you the owner? Is there cash value? Can you remain as the beneficiary when you are divorced? It’s important to understand the parties and their rights in a life insurance contract, how your state treats ex-spouses, and the basic types of contracts.

Texas divorce resources

The parties involved

The Owner – This is the person or entity who has control over the policy, can gather information on the policy from the carrier and has control to change beneficiaries. This person or entity has total control over the policy and unless blocked, can change the beneficiary at the insurance company level.

Annuitant – This is the person whom the policy is based on. If this person dies, a death benefit is paid. Often, the owner and annuitant are the same person, but not always.

Beneficiary – This is the person who receives the death benefit if the annuitant dies. A primary beneficiary receives the funds first. If this person dies before the annuitant or with the annuitant, the contingent beneficiaries receive the funds. In Texas, per Texas Family Code 9.301 in the situation of an ex-spouse who has not been re-designated as the beneficiary after the divorce, the ex-spouse will be skipped over and the other primary and/or contingent beneficiaries will be paid.

forensic accounting

Paying a death benefit to the ex-spouse

In Texas, if a spouse was designated as a beneficiary before the divorce and not re-designated after divorce, and not designated in the divorce decree as the beneficiary of the policy, he/she is written out and/or skipped over by the life insurance company per Texas Family Code 9.301. For example, Tom purchases a 20-year term policy for $2 Million and named his current wife Susan as the primary beneficiary and their three adult children equally as the contingent beneficiaries. Seven years later Tom and Susan divorce and the policy remains unchanged. It’s a term policy worth nothing so it was, honestly, just forgotten in the divorce negotiations. It was not addressed at all in the divorce decree. A year after the divorce, Tom dies suddenly of heart failure. In this case, Susan may not receive the death benefit, the children may instead.

If Susan had been written into their divorce decree as the beneficiary of the policy the insurance company would review the decree and likely pay Susan, however, the interim stress and strain could all be thwarted with a new beneficiary designation with the insurance company after the divorce.

Irrevocable and revocable beneficiary

Even if the ex-wife is re-designated as the beneficiary after the divorce, the owner still has control to change a regular, revocable beneficiary – no matter what your divorce decree states. We strongly suggest the ex-spouse make you an irrevocable beneficiary if you want to remain the policy beneficiary. As an irrevocable beneficiary you cannot be written out as beneficiary without your consent. For example, let’s assume instead of dying a year after the divorce, Tom remarries Daniele. Tom makes Daniele the primary beneficiary after they are married, even though the Texas divorce decree states that Susan should remain primary beneficiary of the same policy. Then a year after marrying Daniele, Tom dies. We are still within the original 20-year term period only now the insurance company has a designation from Tom to pay his current wife Daniele, so they will likely pay Daniele. The divorce decree states that Susan should remain the beneficiary – so at the very least there is a fight on Susan’s hands and she may not in the end receive the funds at all. Had Susan and her divorce attorney mandated that Susan be designated the IRREVOCABLE beneficiary, there would be no confusion. Tom could not have made Daniele the new beneficiary or he would have had to open a new policy for Daniele alone.

life insurance and divorce

Types of policies

Term Life – This is simply a term life insurance policy meaning you pay a certain premium for insurance for a certain term or period of time. If the insured dies within that term period, the beneficiary receives the death benefit. If the owner stops paying premiums, the policy lapses and is gone. There is no cash value with a term policy. The policy is worth nothing today and only worth something if the annuitant dies. This policy should be on your divorce estate spreadsheet, but the value is $0. It’s the death benefit that is worth something and conversely, costs something each month, and it should be discussed in the divorce negotiations especially if you still have minor children. While child support is typically an obligation of the estate, that obligation would be far less than a million or multi-million term life policy.

Whole Life Policy – This is permanent policy that pays either a dividend or a set interest rate. As with term life, regular premiums are due with whole life policies for a predetermined period. Whole life can grow over time, but it is costly in the early years. You pay a premium for the cost of insurance in the earlier years only to have that cost not rise in later years. These policies have cash value and should be listed with that value on your divorce estate spreadsheet. The policies should be discussed and negotiated for in the divorce. There is a monthly premium for these policies as well and that should also be discussed and negotiated.

Universal Life Policy – This is a permanent policy that, like whole life, has cash value. Universal Life policies are more flexible as there is no set premiums due. There were illustrations ran when the policy was purchased with what the parties agreed to pay, but no mandated premium payments. If you don’t pay the premiums, the policy will use the cash value to pay the premiums. If no premiums are paid, it will lapse only if there is insufficient cash value to pay premiums. Universal policies utilize some type of underlying investment – the investment can be a fixed rate, a mutual fund type of account in the markets or an indexed policy tied to the markets but unable to technically go below 0% if the markets have a down year. Most of the policies we use with our investment clients through our sister firm, French Financial Group, are universal life policies are they are more flexible, have better options for growth and can be morphed to use for either tax free cash later in life for the owner or death benefit for their heirs. This is certainly an asset to go on the estate spreadsheet to be discussed and negotiated.

An in-force illustration can be run on the universal policies and the whole life policies. These illustrations will show how long you have, based on performance and your specific contract parameters, to keep the policy and use the cash value for premiums. These illustrations take several days to run, so order them well before your mediation date.

If you have life insurance or other financial questions call us. We offer strategy sessions to help you understand what you own and develop a plan for your future.

Filed Under: Dividing Property, Divorce Finance Tagged With: divorce lawyer, divorce mediation, family law, insurance, life insurance

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